Mrs. Riach, talented cook, has graciously condescended to an
interview for the benefits of this blog, though of course we are forced to
acknowledge that her time is short and she has better, much better, things to
be doing than talking to us (please to remember a key point about Mrs. Riach’s
charming dialect – the ‘f’ sound intrudes in place of the ‘wh’ of normal speech.)
Fit’s ’at? Ye’re wanting to speir me questions? Fie? I’ve no
done a’thing wrong!
Ye’re wanting to interview me? Are you looking a
cook, is that it? I’ll have you know my rates are high – I dinna go to work for
just a’body, ken? And I’d want a good accommodation, generous days off, and
regular hours. And no bluidy cats, pigs, nor bairns, ken?
Oh, aye, hens. Hens I can just thole, if they’re no in the
hoose.
Fa am I fae? I’m fae this place, fae Ballater – well, Tullich,
ken. My brother’s lad still bides there, useless cankert gapus that he is, and his
woman little better. Aye, they’ve begged me to go and stay with them fae time
to time, but I just canna handle it. I’m an honest working woman, ken?
Is that a decanter of brandy I see there ahint you? Could I
trouble you, for my throat’s that parched I might never get through all your speiring.
Aye, that’s grand – is that all there was? No, aye, up to the rim – that’ll be
finey. Your good health.
Aye, I’ve worked in a few households about the three
parishes. I’ve worked for two fine physicians, and a clergy and his sister – no
fae the proper kirk, ken, but whiles decent enough, as far as a’body could
tell, onywyes. And I’ve worked for a fine woman who had her own business – oh,
she was braw! I liked fine working for her. She had the right ideas about a
household, all under control and a few fine handsome boys about the place,
forbye.
Oh, my, the state of my throat! But I canna help feeling yon
brandy’s doing it good, ken? Oh, well, I dinna mind if I do – no, up to the rim
again would be finey. It’d be a shame to waste the space. Your health.
But it seems I’m doomed to go back again to yon long-nebbit
lassie, the doctor’s fancy Embra wifie. Fie he had to bring a quine back fae
Embra is beyond me – had we no fine enough lassies up here to tempt him? I
might have taken him masel if he’d asked me! But no, no, he brings yon one
here, and the house has been like an asylum ever since. If it’s no strange men
in the attic, it’s floods to the gate, and dogs under the kitchen table and dead
birds in the parlour and dinner at fa kens fit time and cats, damned white cats
like bluidy ghosts everywhere you look. And bairns! And have you met her
relations?
Aye, it’s my throat again – the pain is fair making my eyes
water. No, no, I can go on a bit yet, if there’s any more … aye, that’s lovely,
right enough. Grand.
But it’s my duty to go back whiles and see yon Ishbel hasna
burned the place down or destroyed my good pans. An’ young … fit’s the lad’s
name … aye, Wullie. He’s no a lad bad – I mean a bad lad. He needs lookin’
after, that’s what he needs. An’ I need another of those fine wee glasses – I mean
to say, you could barely fill a hole in your tooth with what’s in yon wee
glass, could you? Aye, I’m sure I could manna … manage another yin …
The Napiers? Aye, that’s where I bide, ken. Is it? Fa was I
last? See, whiles I get a wee bittie confused. I’ve been lost up on the moor
more than the once, ken, for I’ve no sense of direction at all, and the moor –
I’ve been lost up on the moor more than the once, did you ken? Chasing the
white cats … or were they chasing me? White cats, everywhere. It’s no’ right,
at all, is it?
And did I tell you about the white cats?
Where did you go? I wasna finished! Hi!
Och, well, it’s maybe time I had a wee nap before I make a
start on the dinner. The fire’s fine and warm and this chair’s awfa comfy. Just
make sure they white cats dinna come near me, ken?